The Social Engineer

This is Part 6 of a 6-article series on emotional intelligence in engineering. Part 1 is here: Engineering is More than IQ.

A few years ago, a university career center invited Cliff and me to speak to their students about how to have a successful internship. Since this was our first time to speak on this topic, we met with the head of the career center to discuss specific topics he felt should be covered.

“Socialization skills, for sure,” he said. “A lot of the students have trouble connecting with people at the companies where they intern.”

Cliff and I nodded and jotted down notes.

“None of them are great at it but there is a trend. The civil engineers seem to be the most socially well-adjusted. From them, it goes down until you get to the computer science majors, who have the least social skills.” Slight pause. “What did you guys say your majors were when you were in school?”

Cue the sad trombone … “Computer science.”

Unfair Stereotypes

I laughed a little when he said that. But it was a sad little laugh at myself. I was definitely that guy. At my first job, I only befriended those people who went out of their way to try to build a relationship with me. And I’m sure that wasn’t an easy feat.

When I went to parties with “regular people” (aka, non-engineers,) I felt awkward and mostly wanted to be somewhere else. I really did want to be there and fit in, I just didn’t. It reminds me of the “The Middle Earth Paradigm” episode of Big Bang Theory when Penny throws a Halloween party and the guys show up but don’t quite mesh with the rest of the crowd.

But it’s not that they, or I, or engineers in general, lack social skills. We have plenty of social skills when we’re with other engineers. The concepts are the same we just need a translation table so that we’re speaking the same language. Pretty soon it’s second nature.

Why Are Social Skills Important for Engineers?

One of the things that make people great engineers is the ability to internalize problems and focus on them for great lengths of time. During this time of mentally running calculations, designing components, and thinking through processes and pitfalls, we’re alone with our thoughts. The rest of the world is locked out.

It’s the tendency towards introversion that helps many of us succeed with technical skills but keeps us flustered when it comes to social skills.

So, if all you ever want to do is sit in a cube and solve technical problems, you don’t need to socialize. But that’s not likely to work out for you.

Thankfully, the days of putting the engineers in a back room and hiding them from the public are long gone. Engineers speak in the board room, visit with clients, and work with the sales team. Engineers permeate business processes and interact with people from all walks of life.

This means we need to be able to socialize and build relationships.

How to Improve Your Social Skills

Social skills are exactly that: skills. And skills can be improved. Even if you’re comfortable in your social skin, give some of these a try and see what you can do to improve. I constantly push myself to do the first one in this list. It’s just not in my nature.

• Say “hello” to strangers – Just say hello to people and have a brief (I mean brief) conversation. When you’re in line at the grocery store: “Excuse me, is that ice cream good? I always buy Blue Bell but that looks good.” When you’re walking your dog: “Hi, your dog is beautiful. What breed is it?” Exchange a few words and move on. It may feel awkward at first – it did for me – but it becomes easier over time.
• Get them talking about themselves – I still find it difficult to talk about myself. But lots of people love to talk about themselves. So, ask them open-ended questions about themselves. Once they are talking about themselves, listen, nod, and occasionally prompt them with more questions. By the way, this works great on dates, too. Unless your date is also an engineer. In that case, I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe go to a movie or build the Lego Hogwarts Castle.
• Praise others – An easy way to talk to someone is to praise or compliment them. “That was a great presentation.” “I love your car!” “That was a good catch on the heat exchange problem.” “Cool socks.” Along with talking about themselves, most people also enjoy hearing nice things about themselves. Compliments are also good for starting short conversations. “How did you learn to speak like that?” “How does it handle on the highway?” “How did you figure out the problem?” “Where did you get them?”
• Pause before you speak – Dealing with facts and figures most of the day, sometimes we engineers can be a little too black and white in our responses. A little too candid. Before you tell a co-worker, “You’re wrong,” pause and then try something a little gentler like, “I came up with a different answer. How did you get to your solution? Here’s how I calculated it.”

The Final Takeaway

A little introversion is a blessing and a curse. Shutting out the world gives you intense focus. But shutting out the world can leave you alone and left out.

Looking back at the engineers I’ve known who made the leap into corporate leadership, they were the ones who had a social air about them. They learned to play the game and eventually became pretty good at it. If they can, you can, too.

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Author: Tracy Thomason

Agile project manager by day, craft beer drinker by night, and avid reader anytime I can get 5 minutes alone with my Kindle.

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Featured photo by rawpixel on Unsplash
Big Bang Theory photo copyright by CBS, used under Fair Use