This is Part 3 of a multi-article series on emotional intelligence in engineering. Part 1 is here: Engineering is More than IQ.
All things considered, the meeting went a lot better than it could have.
Nelson, the project manager who had been given near carte blanche over our team, started the weekly staff meeting with a few announcements.
“We’re behind schedule on the South Albuquerque project, ”came the flat, matter-of-fact voice through the Avaya desktop speakerphone. “That won’t fly on my watch. The Flagstaff, Durango, and Gallup projects are shelved until further notice.”
I swear I saw Reggie bristle.
“And all training and travel is canceled until we deliver Albuquerque.”
Bristle was an understatement. Try seethe.
The other faces around the room didn’t look happy either but there was an air of resignation. This was half expected.
“Nelson,” said Reggie in a low, slow breath. “We made a commitment to Flagstaff a year ago. That project is on-time and the state-mandated training is in two weeks. We have to attend training and then deliver. And we told you Albuquerque’s timeline was impossible before we started.”
“Noted. Call Flagstaff, tell them there’s been a delay, and cancel your trip. We can deliver next quarter.”
Reggie pushed back hard from the table, walked out of the conference room, and slammed the door. Despite knowing it was coming, half the room flinched at the sound. Nelson continued as though nothing had happened.
* * *
True story. Different names, but that’s how it went down.
Reggie, our lead engineer, had made a personal commitment and had worked nights and weekends to deliver it on time. He was committed to the project beyond normal because of the personal ownership he’d taken in delivering.
Emotional Self-Regulation
I had expected an expletive-laden tirade. What we saw was more reserved but still enough to earn him a conversation with our vice president. He’d always had an explosive temperament. I know he regretted it, but I also know he’d do it again.
We all know a Reggie or two. Or several. Sometimes we call them hotheads. When we’re feeling generous, we say they’re “really passionate.” However, you label it, they lack emotional self-regulation.
For these eruptions, we often give – or hear, if we’re the culprit – advice to calm down, take a minute, think through your options. That’s a good start. We’ll cover some more steps below. The thing to remember here is that anger and frustration can easily be turned from outbursts into focus and motivation. But only if you take the time to choose that response.
In the past, I’ve seen friends, even Reggie, turn anger into a positive “I’ll show you” where they prove their theory. Sure, that approach can cost some extra hours, but the end result of being right can be worth the time.
Now, what happens if the lack of self-regulation doesn’t result in outrage? Other emotional outbursts can have negative consequences, too.
Frenzied Happiness & Not Saying No
Have you ever been so giddy with happiness that you nearly had a wreck? A Berkley study noted that people having an episode of extreme joy might overlook warning signs or take excessive risks.
Do you take on other people’s work because you can’t or won’t say no? There are a lot of emotions that could lead you to do this. You feel guilty because you just got back from vacation to discover there was a problem on your team’s project. Consequently, you stay up all night reworking the calculations. You’re new to the group and want to be accepted so you agree to any number of little chores around the office. That pretty girl (or guy) on the sales team somehow sweet talked you into fixing their computer … not their work computer, their home computer.
All of these have happened to me at one time or another. And all of these
Why Does It Matter?
The obvious reason is that unless you want to fix computers for every attractive person who winks in your direction, you have to get ahold of yourself. But beyond that, self-regulation gives us the ability to choose our future.
Self-help guru Stephen R. Covey wrote that one of the greatest powers we have is the ability to choose our reactions.
“In the space between stimulus (what happens) and how we respond, lies our freedom to choose. Ultimately, this power to choose is what defines us as human beings. We may have limited choices but we can always choose. We can choose our thoughts, emotions, moods, our words, our actions; we can choose our values and live by principles. It is the choice of acting or being acted upon.”
You may not think that matters when you yell at another driver on the road. Or when disgust at the food your mother-in-law just served leads you to make an unseemly face. Or when you’re fixing Janet’s computer.
But exercising your right to choose your reaction to every emotion helps you develop a good habit. The habit of asserting decision overreaction. Once you have that, you can decide on the emotion and let loose. But decide first. Always decide.
How to Improve Self-Regulation
- Pause before you react to anything – Practice this on less pressing emotions: boredom, mild happiness, irritation, etc. Once you can pause before you react to those, you’ll develop a habit of finding Covey’s gaps between stimulus and response. Then you can expand the habit to bigger emotions.
- Hold yourself accountable – If you put the blame on others when things go wrong, stop. Find it in yourself to admit your own mistakes and face your own consequences. When others do make mistakes, work with them rather than blame them. This will exercise your emotional intelligence in several ways
. Build patience & calm – Beyond the simple pause, take time to breathe and consider the factors. A few slow deep breaths really do help keep you calm so your mind can process facts and possibilities.- Know your own values– Your company probably has your core values hanging somewhere in the breakroom or maybe on a business card on your desk. Take the time to figure out your own personal values so that when you’re in the stimulus/response gap, you can reflect on them and make sure you respond accordingly.
Final Takeaway
There is nothing wrong with emotions. Going back to the previous article on self-awareness, the last thing you want to do is try to become Spock by stamping down your emotions. Just make sure you’ve considered your emotional response before you let them run.
And if you can’t seem to stop fixing the hottie’s computer, take heart. Sometimes you end up marrying her. We’ve been together 20 years this month. And yes, I fixed her laptop again yesterday.
Author: Tracy Thomason
Agile project manager by day, craft beer drinker by night, and avid reader anytime I can get 5 minutes alone with my Kindle.
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Featured photo by Ashish Choudhary on Pixabay